Monday, August 10, 2015

A Grown-up Kind of Love

I feel compelled to write.

This is my first blog entry from my new home. I'm very excited and scared to be on this journey.

I realize that I've said this a lot before, but I've never felt like this before about someone. I feel safe. I truly, 100% feel safe with this person I've chosen to be with. We have been together for one year, today.

This relationship feels so different. This relationship feels grown up, and this relationship feels mature. This feels like two adults making a decision to spend a life together. This is the most beautiful feeling I could ever imagine, and it's so much more deep and meaningful than any of the bullshit emo crap I wrote in middle school.

This love is meaningful and deep, and it feels so much more real than anything I've ever experienced before, because I live it every day. I live the love that I share with this man, and it is beautiful.

I just want to remember how I feel right now forever. Thing is, I've felt this way, every day for a long time.

I don't fee like "I'm done." I don't feel like "I'm taken." I don't feel like "it's over."

I feel like: "Yes, this is what I'm doing. This is right. Yes."

This is what I'm doing. This is right. Yes.

This feels genuine. I think it feels so different because I'm 27, now, and I know more about what I want. I think it feels like I'm not grasping for something because I'm not anymore.

I love this man. I know he loves me. But the funny thing is....I don't need him to love me, because I love me. I really, truly, honest-to-Goddess love me. I love me so much. I can't say that I've felt that way before.

My past is proof of how stupid I can be, of how selfless and blind I can be. My past is proof of how much bullshit I can take before I break. It turns out that it took me 20-something relationships and failures plus 4 years of absolute SHIT to get me to finally be aware...but I'm here. I did it.

I feel so new. I feel alive. I feel like I never knew I could, because I didn't know this feeling existed.

I feel in control. I feel happy. I feel in love. I feel at peace. I feel complete; and the best part is that I do not feel complete because I've found "my other half." I've realized something:

Love is not 50:50. Divorce and break-ups are 50:50. For love to be real, for love to mean something to me, truly, it must be 100:100. The two parties must be whole.

I am whole. He is whole.

I am love. He is love. So is this dog. Look at my dog.

"wat?"
Thank you for looking at my dog.

Now, go and love. And thank you for listening. Thank you for reading. Thank you, to all 8 people that follow my blog, for reading.